Part 1) 1/10/2012 8pm
What does it mean to you to be a good communicator? What does it look like?
What does it mean to you to be a good communicator? What does it look like?
- reflecting what is said back to the client to show you are listening and to get clarification.
- Clarity and clearly
- monitor what is being said so you can provide feedback
- need awareness of communication
What are the needs of the person you are communicating with?
- be heard and understood
Why do we have the need to communicate?
- transmission of information
- connection with others
- convey our thoughts and get people to respond
- we are emotional beings, we seek harmonious connections with others, there is a benefit to connection
- reharmonize with others
Why do our styles of communication differ so much?
- way we see the world influences our communication
- our language is a reflection of ourselves
- any message that you receive is about the person saying it; you do not have to take on the emotion of it. What ever they say is about their belief or perception. You will not be offended by what others say as it is not about you. It gives distance to be able to see what is behind it and get the meaning of the message that the transmitter intended. Don’t make assumptions about the meaning, check the meaning. Consider where they are at the moment in time.
-the language we use is about us, a record of who we are, it is our underlying beliefs, judgments, perceptions, perspectives
What gets in the way of communication?
- we feel we might be judged
- afraid of not being accepted by something we say
- fear of rejection, authentic people have let go of this fear
What does your optimal way of communicating look like?
- empathy is a higher form of communication
- is the focus on us or the other person
- is it positive and healthy? Being sensitive
- communication is not in the form, but in terms of authenticity
- clean more side of a diamond
What keeps you in your old patterns of communication?
- underlying beliefs, judgments, perceptions, perspectives
Examples: Hello. How are you?
I’m fine. How are you?
Hi. Paper or plastic?
Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.
You’re welcome.
Factual communication: Using events, making observations, offering knowledge to others in a manner which can be called chit chat or small talk. At business parties, we rely upon factual communication to network, to schmooze, and to work the room. Factual communication includes reporting what you’ve read in a textbook, what you’ve studied for a test, showing pictures of your children, and exchanging biographical information about yourself. Factual communication is relatively safe and most do this well.
Examples: I’m majoring in business administration.
I’m married with three children, two sons and one daughter.
Did you watch the basketball game last night?
What did we do in class last Friday?
Evaluative communication: Offering opinions, ideas and judgments to others. This is risky business because the odds are that others will reciprocate with their own evaluations, which may be different from yours. When people consistently use evaluative communication, they must be prepared for eventual conflict. Many U.S. Americans enjoy sharing at this level and feel that disagreeing with others is useful and invigorating. Unfortunately, many of us don’t use evaluative communication with a high level of competence. It’s important to consider the value of critical and creative thinking, as well as the relational meanings of messages that are exchanged. When using evaluative communication, consider carefully the importance of descriptive, provisional, and responsible expressions. Strive to avoid cautionary language, sarcasm, and nonverbal put-downs (e.g., rolling your eyes in response to another’s comments).
Examples: Of all my children, my daughter is the better athlete.
I thought that movie was excellent, particularly with the surprising ending.
I’m not convinced that your argument is well supported.
I agree with you!
Gut-level communication involves sharing our emotions and feelings with another. We are sharing our very essence when we allow others to know our heart. This is risky business! Societies place constraints upon the specific emotions which can be conveyed (e.g., It’s good to express love; it’s bad to express hatred). We also have rules about when and how feelings can be expressed ("That was the wrong time and place for arguing with your spouse.")
Emotional intelligence involves interpersonal competencies including self-awareness, self control, flexibility and empathy.
Examples: I deeply appreciate your thoughtfulness and generosity in helping me earlier.
I’m so frustrated with you!
I’m wish that I hadn’t called you that name. I hope that you’ll forgive me.
He called me! I’m so excited to see him again!
Peak communication: Coming together with another in an extraordinary way. Two individuals who are gut leveling experience a transformation when they are sharing the exact same emotion with the same level of intensity. This is also called, "communal-level communication." It’s as if, for the moment, two souls merge into one. Peak communication is rare, even among close friends and family members.
Examples: I love you. I love you too.
I’m so angry with you. I’m so angry with you as well.
I’m glad that we were able to fight long enough to get this resolved. Yes, I feel exactly the same way, glad that we communicated collaboratively.
I’m scared. I’m scared too.
Generally, we look for the other individual to reciprocate at the same level of intensity. There is a social convention to match levels. If the other initiates a conversation at the evaluative level, we often feel compelled to respond in kind. This is dangerous.
Sharing our ideas and feelings is generally reserved for those whom we trust. Trust is a function of confidence, commitment, and time. We generally share our essence with those we’ve known a long time. To do with others is pseudo-intimacy.
For more information about the levels of communication, consult John Powell’s book, Why am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? (Niles, IL: Argus Communications) 1969.
Brought up in class were the different levels of communication (additional information retrieved from http://www.nvcc.edu/home/npeck/handouts/communicationlevels.htm ) :
The Levels of Communication: A Cheat Sheet
Nan Peck, Northern Virginia Communication College
Phatic Communication: Using conventional messages to establish rapport, to break the ice, and/or to end a conversation. You might hug, kiss, shake hands, bow, smile, make eye contact, and face one another. We exchange pleasantries by using cliches. Clichés are overused expressions that have lost their original (content) meanings and have taken on new relational meanings. We expect phatic communication at the beginning and end of every conversation, regardless of our feelings about a person.Nan Peck, Northern Virginia Communication College
Examples: Hello. How are you?
I’m fine. How are you?
Hi. Paper or plastic?
Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.
You’re welcome.
Factual communication: Using events, making observations, offering knowledge to others in a manner which can be called chit chat or small talk. At business parties, we rely upon factual communication to network, to schmooze, and to work the room. Factual communication includes reporting what you’ve read in a textbook, what you’ve studied for a test, showing pictures of your children, and exchanging biographical information about yourself. Factual communication is relatively safe and most do this well.
Examples: I’m majoring in business administration.
I’m married with three children, two sons and one daughter.
Did you watch the basketball game last night?
What did we do in class last Friday?
Evaluative communication: Offering opinions, ideas and judgments to others. This is risky business because the odds are that others will reciprocate with their own evaluations, which may be different from yours. When people consistently use evaluative communication, they must be prepared for eventual conflict. Many U.S. Americans enjoy sharing at this level and feel that disagreeing with others is useful and invigorating. Unfortunately, many of us don’t use evaluative communication with a high level of competence. It’s important to consider the value of critical and creative thinking, as well as the relational meanings of messages that are exchanged. When using evaluative communication, consider carefully the importance of descriptive, provisional, and responsible expressions. Strive to avoid cautionary language, sarcasm, and nonverbal put-downs (e.g., rolling your eyes in response to another’s comments).
Examples: Of all my children, my daughter is the better athlete.
I thought that movie was excellent, particularly with the surprising ending.
I’m not convinced that your argument is well supported.
I agree with you!
Gut-level communication involves sharing our emotions and feelings with another. We are sharing our very essence when we allow others to know our heart. This is risky business! Societies place constraints upon the specific emotions which can be conveyed (e.g., It’s good to express love; it’s bad to express hatred). We also have rules about when and how feelings can be expressed ("That was the wrong time and place for arguing with your spouse.")
Emotional intelligence involves interpersonal competencies including self-awareness, self control, flexibility and empathy.
Examples: I deeply appreciate your thoughtfulness and generosity in helping me earlier.
I’m so frustrated with you!
I’m wish that I hadn’t called you that name. I hope that you’ll forgive me.
He called me! I’m so excited to see him again!
Peak communication: Coming together with another in an extraordinary way. Two individuals who are gut leveling experience a transformation when they are sharing the exact same emotion with the same level of intensity. This is also called, "communal-level communication." It’s as if, for the moment, two souls merge into one. Peak communication is rare, even among close friends and family members.
Examples: I love you. I love you too.
I’m so angry with you. I’m so angry with you as well.
I’m glad that we were able to fight long enough to get this resolved. Yes, I feel exactly the same way, glad that we communicated collaboratively.
I’m scared. I’m scared too.
Some General Thoughts about the Levels of Communication
The greater the need to communicate our feelings, the harder it is to do. Indeed, sharing our opinions and emotions is risky business. We minimize the risk when we move through the levels of communication incrementally. That is, each conversation ought to begin with phatic communication and move through the levels (however quickly seems appropriate) before moving to the more intimate levels.Generally, we look for the other individual to reciprocate at the same level of intensity. There is a social convention to match levels. If the other initiates a conversation at the evaluative level, we often feel compelled to respond in kind. This is dangerous.
Sharing our ideas and feelings is generally reserved for those whom we trust. Trust is a function of confidence, commitment, and time. We generally share our essence with those we’ve known a long time. To do with others is pseudo-intimacy.
For more information about the levels of communication, consult John Powell’s book, Why am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? (Niles, IL: Argus Communications) 1969.
Part 2) 1/17/2012 8pm
Through listening and the questions we ask we open doors that had not been opened before.
Good communication is taking responsibility/ownership of our communication.
Flex Communication styles – we have our own communication styles. There is value in understanding other’s communication styles so we can flex our style to meet other’s style and create a better mode of communication.
Analytical style | Driver’s style
--------------------------------------------
Amiable style | Expressive style
Analytical – logical, thorough, need information to make decisions, less emotional, task-oriented, systematic, orderly, serious
Amiable – supportive, avoid conflict, like agreement, cooperative, patient, agreeable, harmonize, slow it down to ensure on track
Expressive – are outgoing, enthusiastic, fun-loving, free flowing, persuasive, attached to sharing at an emotional level, goes with gut feeling
Drivers – independent, decisive, pragmatic, efficient, move things forward, concerned with task/results (additional information can be found online, like at http://www.peterursbender.com/quiz/swtable.html )
We have a secondary fall back style when get nervous or under stress (not optimal state). Analytics withdraw, go away. Amiables give in. Drivers attack, take charge. Expressive respond with feelings and emotions.
Get things done in different ways: Analytics need thorough information and need time to analyze. Amiables get results through harmony and wants to be asked for ideas and are willing to slow things down to allow space for others to think (coaches tend to be amiables). Drivers get results through action. Expressive get results through relationships.
If each person is aware of their style they can work together, make a shift (flex) to meet the needs of the other communicators.
How people think influences our communication.
Concrete <---------------------------------------------------------------> Abstract
(pragmatic, practical; shares stories and experiences) / (philosophical, shares thoughts)
Random <---------------------------------------------------------------> Sequential
(random, but associated thoughts; jumps around) / (orderly thought; stays on the topic)
For better communication, consider the style of communicator of the client and make changes to your communication patterns to better meet the needs of the style of that person.
- Provide information to analytics; prefers “how” questions
- Ask for opinions and compliment amaiables, use and answer “why” questions
- With drivers don’t waste time; discuss and answer “what” questions
- With expressive focus on the relationship; ask and answer “who” questions.
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