Part 1) 1/11/2012 9pm
When was the last time you spoke to someone and they were really listening? What did they do that made you feel really listened to?
- nonverbal cues,
- silence to allow time to think, allowed time for them to digest what I was saying, not feeling rushed
- asked specific questions to show they are listening and interested
- were in the present moment, not distracted
- paraphrasing and linking to what was said
What hold people back from being a good listener?
- thinking about multiple things
- thinking about response
- judgments
- formulating a way to fix the problem rather than listening
- upset
- lack of patience
- didn’t have skill sets yet (not aware of self and the way they listen)
- multi-tasking
- feel silence is weird, so they talk to fill the void
Over phone coaching:
- without body language
- quickly become attuned to tone of voice, speed of speech, breathing pattern
- options to have first few sessions in person?
- Client may feel more willing to share due to more anonymous nature of phone (less racism, judgments based on looks)
- Over phone allows you to access clients from all over, greater client base
- Listen for what is not being said (elephant in the room, the obvious thing not being said out of fear or lack of self-awareness)
Part 2) 1/18/2012 9pm
Power listening as a coach, means listening for:
- feelings underlying what is said
- what they are not saying
- what is important to the client
- discomfort (avoiding, redirecting, ask “Is this something you don’t want to talk about?”
- perspective
- assumptions they are working under (They think that because they are… they are suppose to…)
- false beliefs
- motivations
- tone in their voice
- fear
- feelings (sense all the feelings the client could be having)
- where client wants to go (goals)
- is the client aware of the situations
- consequences
- barriers
- passions, interests, talents
- patterns of thought/communication
- “I have to…” Ask if they REALLY have to?
- should
- expectations (ask “Who said?” “Why”)
- requests (“Are you looking for me to scold you, because that’s not my place…”)
- change in energy
- learning style (I see, I feel)
- self-talk
- talking in the past (move towards present and future, only place we can create change is the present)
- I’ll try (encourage commitment)
- Cultural differences
- Language differences
Power listening can be demanding, but does come natural after practice. Kind of like driving. At first we were overwhelmed and worried about every move we made, very mechanical in our actions. Over time, driving becomes more natural, almost automatic.
Can take notes throughout the session of things you think are important as long as it doesn’t detract form client.
Barriers to active listening:
- assumptions about what they mean (ask, be aware of assumptions)
- our beliefs
- judging
- caught up in thinking about next question (if really listening, the question will come to you)
- interruptions (“So where were we?” “Can you tell me that last little bit you were talking about before we got interrupted?”
- lack of sleep
- stress
- cultural/language differences
- rambling (Is it serving a purpose? If not ask “Sorry to interrupt, I’m just curious … Or how does this relate to…”)
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